Much is new in my life. No, I did not move, marry or fall to martyrdom. Nor did I abandon, ditch, forsake or malign my Sweet Promises blog (even though I have been absent for some time). Instead, I have been in upheaval. My feet are firmly planted but my head is in the clouds. I wonder who I am, pursuing truth. Actually, I think I know who I am, but like a diamond in the rough, I yearn to be polished. Underneath the veiled image, I am quite fragmented.
I wonder if I suffer from a dissociative disorder. I am prone to daydreaming. I get lost in thought. I find that I am not organized enough to tell the thousand stories locked inside. Several white pages of paper, more than I care to acknowledge, have been wasted in my pursuit of perfection. I am wasteful. Not just resources of tangible goods but the unconsciousness of time squandered pursuing answers seems unforgivable. Time is running out.
Funny how life seems to zoom, halt, sputter, tumble to a lull and just when you think you have it figured out, well then, you realize you were wrong. Somewhere, perhaps years ago, you took a disastrous turn. Life left you questioning. Ask me if I believe in God, and the answer is “I do”. And Jesus, the Bible and the Spirit He left when He departed earth to be with His Father in Heaven. So why do I struggle? To be brutally honest, I have faced hell. Many moons ago, I only struggled with growing up. Today, it is painful memories that clog my veins.
Mother’s Day week 2012, I took a summer job as a gardener at Rita’s Backyard. I love gardening. I love plants. I love being outdoors. I have posted here my gardening musings and photos. So I think you believe me. Those are a few of my favorite things but it means time pursuing my craft of writing, to get a pure message to my audience, is faltering. To make matters worse, I burned every written word I had ever produced (years ago). This random act of stupidity was an impulse I carried out while stomping through fire. I’ll never know if any of what I wrote was worthy of seeing daylight, but it left a hole inside that yearns to be repaired. I wonder if I burnt it to be freed of my tortured past? At that particular time, absolutely, yes. Now, a clamoring, resounding no, rings inside my head.
So what to do?
I hope you do not think I have totally turned my back on Christianity or my Sweet Promises blog. I just have started to think out loud, trying to form a picture from a thousand puzzle pieces, and wanted to draw in those who are pursuing the unknown, with me, to finally be a polished rock worthy of hearing the words in Matthew 25:23…”Well done, good and faithful servant.” In the meantime, I started a Blogger site, called A Grain of Sand @ http://manygrainsofsand.blogspot.com/ and a pure poetry blog @ http://sharpenedpoint.wordpress.com/, which I rarely publish on because poetry takes more time than a few random lines now and then.